I wanted to be a beacon of black feminist love; my friends and family teased me for being a sellout

We had been together 20 years, had two children and had a customary marriage with our village sub-county two years ago without any real plans for a church wedding. So we called our second ceremony a celebration of love and not a wedding. How else would a self-professed African feminist survive being the centre of a colonial and Abrahamic religious ceremony that also manages to reinforce the most male-centred aspects of African culture?

Our invitations came directly from me and my partner Mark, not – as is traditional – from our families, and in the form of a playful gif featuring the song Love Potion from the South African group Mafikizolo, a reminder that this was a wedding on our terms. I thought they screamed “liberated African feminist”. But when my cousin Moses received his, he asked, “So, the patriarchy has won?”